Every Night (Rituals from a Secret Vantage Point)

The maniacs are at it again...
They went to the bar to dance after spending the entire day convincing themselves they wouldn't
Or shouldn't
They left around midnight
By 2:30a.m they started sifting in like goofy cockroaches
They all had priorities the next morning
They all complained
Babbling on and on about having to work the next morning while ignoring themselves completely
The booze and drugs had pickled their brains so much so that they had lost all motivation to take care of themselves
They infect each other and they wake up a day later pretending nothing ever even happened at all
They come back with stories of how some handsome or pretty young stranger was eyeing them on the dance floor
They get off to this
During the day they hardly talk to each other at all
They pass each other in different rooms and on the streets
They say hello to each other with this strange sense of fear that maybe they've been caught.
For what, not even they know.
The passion, ambition, and lust for life comes streaming out of their bodies like cold, sticky sweat
Through heavy breathing
Intoxication


I can partially relate,
I also scream for the drink but for a very different reason
I feel pain
I feel everything
Maybe even a little too much
My heart hurts for them
My head aches for them
All the limbs attached to my torso want to shoot out and leave
If they could feel like I feel
See like I see
Then maybe they would try something different
Or maybe...

I'm just strange.

The Illusion of Individualism

I cannot recall how many times I have heard the words "You cannot rely on others. You can only rely on yourself." thrown at me.

I always thought to myself, "What a wonderful concept. Pure Individualism" but the more and more I dwelled on the thought the more I watched it vanish in my mind.

The dictionary defines an individual as such:
1. a single human being, as distinguished from a group.
2. a person: a strange individual.
3. a distinct, indivisible entity; a single thing, being, instance, or item.
4. a group considered as a unit.
5. Biology .
a. a single organism capable of independent existence.
b. a member of a compound organism or colony.

Are we able to rely only upon ourselves?

In our modern day society in one form or another I believe we MUST rely on others. This, however, has become a propagating system. A system in which we are unable to focus solely on progressing as an individual but having to re-leave and/or take on burdens within a constant chain of merely being connected to another party. Visa Vi; a friend, family member, boss, loved one, acquaintance, enemy, etc. This system came with the advance in population. The more people around you the more attached to you they become. In our society we are not afforded the right to just be oneself. We are more or less given the illusion that making small insignificant choices like what type of clothing we wear, music we listen to, cars we drive, books we read, etc. grants us the right to be a full blown individual. This however is far from the case. To be an individual is to be completely free of any attachment outside of the being in question. To not be attached to said parties is an absolute impossibility these days and therefore we must be detached, worried, nervous, paranoid, and sometimes edgy over the fact that we may be affecting another person in a negative or positive way, which in ALL cases is inevitable. This reflection on the state we leave other people in after even something as basic as having a conversation has forced the mind out of the individualist stand point and into what I want to call an analytical group absorption. Our minds are now constantly processing information regarding how people will react to certain situations, how they will respond to certain questions or remarks, trying to comprehend what they are doing when they are not around you. It is almost dividing the brain into multiple portions based on the human beings you have come into contact with or live around on the average day.


Not a soul in this modern day world of ours will be able to rule himself or herself as a single, self propelled entity. The upper class will rule over the middle class and must rely on each other as well as the middle class to stay in its place of power. The middle class must rely on the upper class to either progress towards that level or remain in that current status. The poor must rely on all of the above in order to survive with the bare minimum or progress upwards toward the middle and upper class systems.

Bringing it down to a more personal level you will find the same cycles in effect. As an example one could choose to open up a business. Unless this individual was born into mass amounts of wealth they could not do so without consulting a bank to take out a loan, or bringing in a partner to help with expenditures. Another example would be the path of an artist. That art could be anything from being a musician, painter, writer, what have you. Although you are creating something that comes solely from the basis of the individual they must rely on others to appreciate what it is they are putting out there and so once again we have stumbled back onto the reliance of others to invade the individualist theory.

gov·ern·ment/ˈgəvər(n)mənt/:

1. The governing body of a nation, state, or community.
2. The system by which a nation, state, or community is governed.

The mere fact that we live under a governed structure defies the purpose of attempting to be individualistic. With this power in place comes the controlled direction of ones free will. If you do not agree with a governments set of laws you will be chastised and punished... In other words, forced to become part of the 'god-head'. The premise of governing is to abolish the principal of the individual. If you refer back to the point I made about upper, middle class, and the poor you have to understand that every politician and political party in power are there because they have the monetary gain to do so. They are the upper class. None the less, because of the system in play they must also follow the rules cast among them. In no way are they any more individualistic as we. No matter how badly they strive to think so.

Do not let the idea of free will confuse you.

We have become platforms on a step ladder leading to another set of step ladders. A constant chain of cycles with the pretend notion that you can live off of nothing but yourself. And as Jean Paul Sartre once wrote "Obviously, Freedom as the definition of a man does not depend upon others but once there is a commitment, I am obliged to will the liberty of others at the same time as mine." This is something that we should be well aware of. This is the illusion of individualism.

Ramble On

You talk and talk and talk and talk

Yet...

What do you have to show for your rambling?

A friendly smile
A suggestive nod
An opinion louder than another

Blee Blah Blue
Whoop DE do!
Your point has been lost in an instant
Maybe next time you form a meaningful idea you will remember to write it down for the future
and instead of impressing dead ends
By being SO different
Or
By holding a stronger attitude than the last
Try to grow on your own
Sometimes weak
Sometimes numb
and you will never have to get nervous about falling asleep at night

You could learn a lot from biting your tongue
Even when the information is strong

You talk and talk and talk and talk

Yet...

Where has it ever lead you?

Down a one way road to another night of talking
Until your throat finally dries out
Soar

We know you do
Yes, I know its true
That we never get around to any of it
My mind may be strong and it can sure take a lot but I hold it in instead of letting it all go
No need to please the masses
By finding topics that appease them
Observe for a reason
Just sit back and leave them
Rambling on
Babbling on
just relax, take it easy
and I never have to get nervous about the walk back home

Ive learned a lot from biting my tongue
Even when the information is strong

You talk and talk and talk and talk

Yet...

What do you have to show for your rambling?

You Don't Blame The Lettuce...

You never blame the lettuce
for embracing what it's learned
whether it grew beside a crucifix
or inside a prison yard
It may grow up to be an astronaut
or wear your sisters clothes
As long as everything is done under the sun
and its dumb to smoke a cigarette
beside a tank of gasoline
to shoot an apple off the head of a baby
crying in the street
maybe a little misdirection is all one really needs
Explosions may sound beautiful to me...

Adorned in army green and chewing bubble gum
Yelling never helped to cure the vertigo
Vaporized
Bi-polarized
Glad to be monopolized
At least you had the cash to buy new shoes

You never blame the open door
for carrying in the wind
You never blame the shiny blade
for digging in your skin
Your temples have been throbbing
Your head is bound to hurt another day
as long as the doctors can identify your pain

You never blame the lettuce
for rotting in the ground
They've got scientists and activists
to point the blame on other things
like the fact that its not getting enough
action in the bedroom
Its not romanticized
No, its just criticized
It has passion for its mother and it has passion for its dog
One it needs to follow and the other tags along
and speaking of connection
The only charity that you have ever been offered
Was from the man next door who wanted
to burn
your house
down

Sweet anarchy!
New plastic slavery
THEY are out to get us
Don't blame the lettuce

Friends

We walk around like a parade of gypsy's
Not knowing which one of us is going to fuck, cheat, steal, or love
But we feel different
"Not much like the others." They say...
No.
Not us...
We have sifted through the muck
Like stubbed toes of our generation
Trying to find ourselves
Expressing pain as if it were a drug rubbed under everyone's noses
Reaching out to be numb

Even time is hard to come by these days
15.00 dollars at sun rise
0.00 by midnight
Slaves to the three part circus act
Fuel for tripe devastation
Explosive
As if there were blockbusters primed on every street corner
Detonated only by the madness of our fruitless desperation
We live together
We die together
Always seconds away from picking out our insides
and putting them on display for any on-lookers to wrap up and take home

Reflection

Dear reader:

The first of the three ignited quick like gasoline. Strong will for fun. Laying the night on thick. A couple bumps in the road. So be it. Sat around content and got pushed into failure. If you dream for perfection you'll get a handful of mud. It all couldn't have been any clearer but the underlying message of the thing waded under the surface. Waiting for the worst time to strike. Anger does get pointed in all of the wrong directions 90% of the time and this was no exception. He had a right. He had a cause. Something pure and I felt it. Like a solid slab of marble I felt it pushing me down. My eyes burned red. Things disappeared as others stood glaring from corners and as he walked away the dark cloud hung there suspended. All the bright smiles in the place suddenly faded to yellow. The goodbye's were expelled with misery. The earth stopped spinning to let me know that tomorrow could not come faster. Burn baby, burn.

This one is all about me but make sure you double check to be sure. The scales have never rocked so unevenly back and forth and back and forth. Poor thing. Fading halo. All decked out for novelty. Hubris? I am. Whats he mean to you? Nothing. But I'll stick around just to make sure that the family can never fall asleep. When I wake up I will love you and when I have nobody else to see, I will give you the crown. Not for too long. We wouldn't want you to keep it. "Scavenger. Rat fink." Says ant number four hundred thousand and thirty three. "Now get me to where I want to be!" He stood there fuming as red as a fresh pimple. Industrious and alone. A mosquito bite. The more you itch the bigger an issue it becomes and when the antigens begin to attack the antibodies of the human structure there is nothing left to do but tip your hat, agree, and walk away because this is what it comes down to. This is how we connect. This is how we tend to disappear.

Its almost a miracle Ive made it out alive. The last three days should have had cockroaches screaming for sunlight and princess' begging for toads. Even the air in the room would not force it's hand just to let us breathe easy for a moment. Fuck it. This is the world I know. Yeah. Just another day. Steam pouring from manhole covers. People running amok in the streets. It's all coming to me. The bastards can kick and scream and cry until they've forgotten who they were in the first place. An attempt to feed their blood to the soil. Its looking rather hungry these past few days and if a man could flail limbs and chew off others heads so consistently, who are we to blame it? Another junkie with a taste for gold. I mean, shit. What is the point of communication without repercussion? Am I right? Fucking eh. Someone has to show these maniacs who's boss.

Push

Have you ever wanted to cry
SO hard
That you push
and push
and push
and nothing comes out?
Not even a single tear
No salt
No liquid
Just dry
and empty
and worthless
Like you have exerted
ALL
of the emotion left in your body
and it hurts worse than crying
because at least with the tears
you were letting something go
Washing away your problems
for a brief moment in time
but you don't
and you cant
and you force it
and push it
but still
nothing
You end up sitting around wondering
WHY?!
there is nothing...
You want to cry like a baby
Cradled, snug in your mothers arms.
Like when you were a child
and you scraped your knee for the first time.
You want to cry like this was your first heartbreak
When you were 15 and your girlfriend stole your skateboard
You want to cry like you will never see the burning hues of the sunrise and sunset
again
You want to cry like your mother
and father
and sister and brother
You want to cry like your friends
There used to be feeling in doing that
There used to be something
but you cant cry anymore
and you want to
SO hard
that you push