Reflection

Dear reader:

The first of the three ignited quick like gasoline. Strong will for fun. Laying the night on thick. A couple bumps in the road. So be it. Sat around content and got pushed into failure. If you dream for perfection you'll get a handful of mud. It all couldn't have been any clearer but the underlying message of the thing waded under the surface. Waiting for the worst time to strike. Anger does get pointed in all of the wrong directions 90% of the time and this was no exception. He had a right. He had a cause. Something pure and I felt it. Like a solid slab of marble I felt it pushing me down. My eyes burned red. Things disappeared as others stood glaring from corners and as he walked away the dark cloud hung there suspended. All the bright smiles in the place suddenly faded to yellow. The goodbye's were expelled with misery. The earth stopped spinning to let me know that tomorrow could not come faster. Burn baby, burn.

This one is all about me but make sure you double check to be sure. The scales have never rocked so unevenly back and forth and back and forth. Poor thing. Fading halo. All decked out for novelty. Hubris? I am. Whats he mean to you? Nothing. But I'll stick around just to make sure that the family can never fall asleep. When I wake up I will love you and when I have nobody else to see, I will give you the crown. Not for too long. We wouldn't want you to keep it. "Scavenger. Rat fink." Says ant number four hundred thousand and thirty three. "Now get me to where I want to be!" He stood there fuming as red as a fresh pimple. Industrious and alone. A mosquito bite. The more you itch the bigger an issue it becomes and when the antigens begin to attack the antibodies of the human structure there is nothing left to do but tip your hat, agree, and walk away because this is what it comes down to. This is how we connect. This is how we tend to disappear.

Its almost a miracle Ive made it out alive. The last three days should have had cockroaches screaming for sunlight and princess' begging for toads. Even the air in the room would not force it's hand just to let us breathe easy for a moment. Fuck it. This is the world I know. Yeah. Just another day. Steam pouring from manhole covers. People running amok in the streets. It's all coming to me. The bastards can kick and scream and cry until they've forgotten who they were in the first place. An attempt to feed their blood to the soil. Its looking rather hungry these past few days and if a man could flail limbs and chew off others heads so consistently, who are we to blame it? Another junkie with a taste for gold. I mean, shit. What is the point of communication without repercussion? Am I right? Fucking eh. Someone has to show these maniacs who's boss.

Push

Have you ever wanted to cry
SO hard
That you push
and push
and push
and nothing comes out?
Not even a single tear
No salt
No liquid
Just dry
and empty
and worthless
Like you have exerted
ALL
of the emotion left in your body
and it hurts worse than crying
because at least with the tears
you were letting something go
Washing away your problems
for a brief moment in time
but you don't
and you cant
and you force it
and push it
but still
nothing
You end up sitting around wondering
WHY?!
there is nothing...
You want to cry like a baby
Cradled, snug in your mothers arms.
Like when you were a child
and you scraped your knee for the first time.
You want to cry like this was your first heartbreak
When you were 15 and your girlfriend stole your skateboard
You want to cry like you will never see the burning hues of the sunrise and sunset
again
You want to cry like your mother
and father
and sister and brother
You want to cry like your friends
There used to be feeling in doing that
There used to be something
but you cant cry anymore
and you want to
SO hard
that you push

For the woman crying on her cell phone

Today is the day I realized I had lost a book of my poems
A book I have lived a decade beside
I sat outside on my front patio with a cigarette and a beer
and I thought about how much that black book had meant to me
How much love and hatred was scribed in its pages
How it grew with me and seeded itself into my world
I took in the sights of the people walking by
Chit chatting outside of the restaurant across the street
Turning their noses in the air at the sight of me
"That many beer in the afternoon."
They would never understand
the loss I was feeling for my black book.
Not longing for the metaphors or expressions it contained
Not longing for anything at all
The couple next door seemed happy
The birds chirped and sang pleasantly from the tree's
The squirrels hopped and danced through their branches
Chasing each other for food
and even the sun was calm and mellow
as I sat down
Cast in shade.
You never really quite understand how much something like that means to you
Until the day comes when you find out that it is gone forever
Into the ether
Into an unknown realm

There was a woman two doors down.
She was crying hysterically into her cell phone
Tears streaming down her face
I took a drag of my cigarette and watched intently
She knew how I was feeling
and eye contact was all we needed.